Black Sunday

This Maya Business is causing me distress. I started the job without signing a contract and no advance. I have no excuse for doing so. Now I almost finished the work and delivered it and asked for the advance, 500 dollar, and it was promised but not delivered. I had sent the receipt by post in advance !!! They published the bid and one of the contractor said that it was incomplete. I called him (Shaul from Liam Engineering) and he said that it is not his custom to badmouth engineers, since most probably we are going yet to meet for years. He said that most probably the bastards were just making up reasons to avoid paying me. It made sense to me so I sent a letter to everybody prohibiting to use my designs. The Maya partners, four cooks and other small tradesmen, asked desperately for the designs, dont worry about the money, etc. and I am so soft and imbecile that I sent it. I am feeling so bad - I worked about a week on the design, and I have no contract nor nothing. Of course the project is not finished, they need my approval and so on. But the relations have been spoiled. I am the only cause of this problem to myself, I am feeling bad, I had a stomach ache (possibly because of eating non fresh cream cheese, my wife hides the fresh one and feed me the spoiled food. She also made a hysterical scene to the girls because someone did not put the coffee tin back in the shelf but left it on the kitchen marble. Half an hour of sick shouting, the girls seem unaffected by it). I hope they will mail me the cheque. But it was mismanaged form the start, I did not behave as an engineer should. I am depressed, this business of designing fire systems is difficult, hard work and lots of responsability, and worse - it is unprofitable. I have to look for other specialities and hire a business manager. I got the flu and my muscles are aching and have a general feeling of acute disconfort.

It the next day's early morning now. I still feel sick but life goes on. I should say thanks to God for Sunday's bad day. I say God as a general source of imaginary comfort, since I have nothing else. I have hit the bottom and it is aching. The acute disconfort I am feeling will act on my unconscious mind and body to force it to proceed onwards.