Jewish Ethnic Jokes

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

The doctor gave me six months to live.
I couldn't pay my bill, so the doctor gave me another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 70!"
Patient: "I AM 70!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor said "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
"Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.