Friday, September 24, 2010
DeCoster Goes to Washington
The strain of Salmonella bacteria that sickened people across the United States was traced to the DeCoster Iowa farms, an industrial animal husbandry conglomerate with a disturbing track record of food safety, worker safety and animal rights violations.
On Wednesday, the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee questioned Austin "Jack" DeCoster as part of a government hearing. Committee Chair Congressman Henry Waxman of California heard testimony from salmonella outbreak victims and questioned the egg producer about his practices.
During the testimony, "Jack" DeCoster felt unwell and requested to make a phone call to his spiritual adviser. Koko was decorating his new White House office when took DeCoster's desperate call.
"Koko dear, I am in a very bad shit here in the Congress with that vicious bastard Waxman questioning me in fron of the media. He killing me. Believe me, Koko, our farms are the most advanced on Earth, we employ the best nutrition experts and our veterinarians ..."
"Stop it now Jack! Waxman gives a shit if your vets spray Chanell 40 on your chicks' touches when they lay an egg."
"But Koko I TRULY apply the most sophisticated scientific techniques. A Nobel Prize in Chicken Nutrition formulates the rations. We employ 35 PhDs! We produce 1.5 billion eggs!"
"Jack, dont you dare to mention it to Waxman. Not a word more about how good your chicks have it, or I am back choosing colors for my office rug. You think wheat, cream and blue goes well with my black fur?"
"Please, Koko, help me!"
"That's better. Jack, hear, imagine you are a poor Iowa farm boy. You grew up hand feeding corn to your beloved chicken - each had its name - in your ancestral farm. You would never let your Father to sell your beloved pet birds. You are no scientist and you know nothing about big business. You can hardly read and you croak like a Dutch frog. Say Salmonella!"
"Salmone ... sorry! Zaal..moog..uyla."
"Boy, you need practice. That Jew will never dare to harm a wholesome small town American patriot like you. And you are so sorry! Now let me call that Wasserman. Just one more thing. Have you noticed those three letters on Washington phones? Y.O.M. Right, Jack, You Owe Me."
From the papers: "DeCoster had trouble answering some of the committee's questions, trailing off at times with anecdotes of his childhood in the farm, remembering individual chickens, speaking very slowly and barely understandable. He told the committee that he was hard of hearing."
From this morning on TV (DeCoster speaking): "Mr Congressman, I was horrified to learn that my eggs may have made people sick. I apologize to everyone who may have been sickened by eating my eggs."