The strain of Salmonella bacteria that sickened people across the United States was traced to the DeCoster Iowa farms, an industrial animal husbandry conglomerate with a disturbing track record of food safety, worker safety and animal rights violations.
On Wednesday, the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee questioned Austin "Jack" DeCoster as part of a government hearing. Committee Chair Congressman Henry Waxman of California heard testimony from salmonella outbreak victims and questioned the egg producer about his practices.
During the testimony, "Jack" DeCoster felt unwell and requested to make a phone call to his spiritual adviser. Koko was decorating his new White House office when took DeCoster's desperate call.
"Koko dear, I am in a very bad shit here in the Congress with that vicious bastard Waxman questioning me in fron of the media. He killing me. Believe me, Koko, our farms are the most advanced on Earth, we employ the best nutrition experts and our veterinarians ..."
"Stop it now Jack! Waxman gives a shit if your vets spray Chanell 40 on your chicks' touches when they lay an egg."
"But Koko I TRULY apply the most sophisticated scientific techniques. A Nobel Prize in Chicken Nutrition formulates the rations. We employ 35 PhDs! We produce 1.5 billion eggs!"
"Jack, dont you dare to mention it to Waxman. Not a word more about how good your chicks have it, or I am back choosing colors for my office rug. You think wheat, cream and blue goes well with my black fur?"
"Please, Koko, help me!"
"That's better. Jack, hear, imagine you are a poor Iowa farm boy. You grew up hand feeding corn to your beloved chicken - each had its name - in your ancestral farm. You would never let your Father to sell your beloved pet birds. You are no scientist and you know nothing about big business. You can hardly read and you croak like a Dutch frog. Say Salmonella!"
"Salmone ... sorry! Zaal..moog..uyla."
"Boy, you need practice. That Jew will never dare to harm a wholesome small town American patriot like you. And you are so sorry! Now let me call that Wasserman. Just one more thing. Have you noticed those three letters on Washington phones? Y.O.M. Right, Jack, You Owe Me."
From the papers: "DeCoster had trouble answering some of the committee's questions, trailing off at times with anecdotes of his childhood in the farm, remembering individual chickens, speaking very slowly and barely understandable. He told the committee that he was hard of hearing."
From this morning on TV (DeCoster speaking): "Mr Congressman, I was horrified to learn that my eggs may have made people sick. I apologize to everyone who may have been sickened by eating my eggs."
9 comments:
Ha, ha. Very funny.
Actually DeCoster is originally from Maine and has a very strong and distinct New England accent.
K
if DeCoster insists in ignoring Koko's advice, he will end as assistant rat catcher of one of his farms. No kidding, have you see the photos shown by Waxman? Rats, dead chickens, etc.
There were rats found on a farm? I'm shocked, shocked! Generally, it is estimated that the rat population of any American city is roughly equal to the human population, so there are 600,000 rats in Washington, not counting Congressmen. Probably there was a rat not 50 meters from the hearing room where the Congressman was grandstanding. If I had a nickel for every rat I have seen in a NYC subway station I would have a lot of nickels.
It's not really in the farmer's interest to have rats since they eat the chicken's food. However, total elimination is impossible - the best you can do is to hope to keep them under control with poison baits, etc. If you visit the rear of any American bakery, supermarket, meat processing plant, etc. you will see discreetly placed boxes on the ground - these are the poison bait stations. The process of making sausage and making laws are both better left unobserved if you want to keep your appetite.
K
K
This is emotional public political theater and not a debate on scientific egg production technology. Luckily DeCoster hired Koko as his legal adviser and she succeeded in conveying this message and position DeCoster where he should be. Should DeCoster had hired you, he would be now justifying and defending the RATS photographed in DeCoster chicken farms.
Waxman himself bears an uncanny resemblance to a rat. I wouldn't trust that guy and his pederastache to run a neighborhood candyshop, yet he's up there at the highest echelons of power. Ah, democracy.
His what...?
I'm guessing a (very funny) portmanteau word - pederast (child molester) plus mustache = pederastache - the kind of mustache that a child molester wears.
K
Google "Waxman" images and you get all kind of perverse pics, showing that it is not true that you have to be Mister Universe or even photogenic to be elected Congressman for California.
He really does look like a cartoon character rodent-human - maybe it's the overbite plus the whiskers and the stick out ears.
K
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