I left home at age 16 to study in La Plata, a university town 60 km from Buenos Aires. After graduation, I accepted a job in a faraway province and then left for a well-paid job in oil-rich Nigeria. There were no old people in my family, they were killed by the Nazis. I never shared a household with old (say forty plus) people, and I never had friends or relations of the age I am now. Thus, having reached my advanced age, I have no models how I should be or behave. In my daily life, in the university and in the water consulting business, I never meet people of my age. It is accepted that boys need to have a role male model to grow up and develope a healthy personality, but what about old men? What about an old man like me who never had an old role model in his life? We are made to live in multigenerational extended families, like the schtetl old Jews sitting on the shul bench debating the fine points of Rambam (Tevye's song "If I was a Rich Man") but the Nazis and Western modernity stole that from my life and I am missing it.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Growing Up without Grandfather
I left home at age 16 to study in La Plata, a university town 60 km from Buenos Aires. After graduation, I accepted a job in a faraway province and then left for a well-paid job in oil-rich Nigeria. There were no old people in my family, they were killed by the Nazis. I never shared a household with old (say forty plus) people, and I never had friends or relations of the age I am now. Thus, having reached my advanced age, I have no models how I should be or behave. In my daily life, in the university and in the water consulting business, I never meet people of my age. It is accepted that boys need to have a role male model to grow up and develope a healthy personality, but what about old men? What about an old man like me who never had an old role model in his life? We are made to live in multigenerational extended families, like the schtetl old Jews sitting on the shul bench debating the fine points of Rambam (Tevye's song "If I was a Rich Man") but the Nazis and Western modernity stole that from my life and I am missing it.
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This reminds me of a true story. My son was speaking with his (step) grandfather (my wife's mother's 2nd husband, but the only grandfather he knew - my wife's father died when she was 16, mine passed away when my son was a little boy) toward the end of the old man's life. He was nearing 90 and in failing health. So my son, in his 20s, asked him if he had any regrets, anything that he wished he had done and hadn't. Expecting I suppose some words of wisdom. The man was an engineer - perhaps he would mention his ambition for a 2nd canal across Central America. The old man (a bit senile at this point) paused for a moment and thought. And then he spoke, "I wish I had f*cked a black girl."
K
I'd have told him that he missed nothing.
Isn't one of the glorious privileges of old age that you no longer have to care what people think and can act just as you like? It's why old men are grumpy and sharp talking - they no longer care.
Not in Israel. People here is very aggressive and critical. This morning I went to the Kupat Holim pharmacy to pick up some remedies, and there were about 15 mostly elderly people waiting for their turn. There were three pharmacists so the numbers were called one after another in a fast pace. Yet these elderly people who had nowhere to hurry, tried to cheat each other out of their turn, and those ladies criticized the "intruder" in the wheelchair, and the tongue-lashing lasted all long minutes and the poor old man wished the earth to open and be gone. One old lady accompanied by a Phillipine caretaker was incredibly impolite and insulting.
As for me, I am a self employed consultant, I dont have the luxury of saying what I want, never. At home, I have a bunch of female inspectors, regulators, critics and teachers of correct dressing, eating, talking and general behaviour. Since I am fat, they find me generally disgusting, which they never forget to emphasize, specially when I am eating.
Old age means diminishing status and power, and in Israel that translates into occasional, not, frequent public humiliation. A moneyless old man is a dead man, says the Gemara.
That's so sad. Reminds me of Lear. Somehow I think you are exaggerating though :)
You know, maybe I am wearing rose tinted glasses, but I never find the people in Israel as aggressive or competitive as everyone says they are. I live in New York, and I think Israelis in general are politer and more civil; more laid back and low key. This last quality in particular I find striking - that Israelis are almost kind of gentle. They lack the in your face bonhommie or loud outspokenness of many Americans that I cannot stand. Oh sure, Israelis are not afraid to lash out aggressively when challenged, and will say exactly what they think, but daily life is characterized by gentle, sometimes shy smiles, especially in the women, a quiet low key tenor, and a general absence of brash in your face loudness that is de rigeur in America.
Am I insane and engaging in - very - selective vision, or am I noticing something important about the Israeli psyche that receives little attention?
Remember the nickname of the Israelis - Sabras - they are prickly on the outside but soft and sweet on the inside.
I remember that when I was in Israel, I ordered a plate of hummus at some modest cafe, but then I felt a bit under the weather and did not eat it. The waiter refused to charge me even though I was a foreign tourist - this would never happen in America.
K
No, I am not imagining things. Old people in Kupat Holim (our semi-socialized health system) waiting rooms watch each other like hungry lions, seeking an opportunity to attack. Any infraction to their rules of correct behaviour will trigger a tsunami of indignant corrective tongue-lashing. It may be some kind of late-appearing dementia or genetic defect.
Yeah, but old people are famously cantankerous, anywhere in the world, especially the superannuated ones. The Simpsons has funny scenes showing exactly the kind of thing you are describing. It's proverbial.
As Aristotle wrote 2500 years ago, the young are generous and the old mean spirited.
I just lost my mom who I had not seen in 5 years due to an unfortunate misunderstanding that was difficult to resolve. My father is belligerent and cannot forgive. Although I was close to my grandmothers (I also never knew my grandfathers), I am facing the possibility that my two young daughters will never have a grandfather. My husband's dad has already passed. What will they miss? How important is knowing where you came from, why you might have certain traits, or at least why does your mom have certain traits? What do you have the potential to be insofar as your ancestor was that way? We will try to build bonds among both old and young family and friends, close and far, who are not my father. I am also thinking about who those people really are. It is not as easy as it would seem.
I just lost my mom who I had not seen in 5 years due to an unfortunate misunderstanding that was difficult to resolve. My father is belligerent and cannot forgive. Although I was close to my grandmothers (I also never knew my grandfathers), I am facing the possibility that my two young daughters will never have a grandfather. My husband's dad has already passed. What will they miss? How important is knowing where you came from, why you might have certain traits, or at least why does your mom have certain traits? What do you have the potential to be insofar as your ancestor was that way? We will try to build bonds among both old and young family and friends, close and far, who are not my father. I am also thinking about who those people really are. It is not as easy as it would seem.
As long as your father lives and breathes, reconciliation is possible. Reach out to him, despite the belligerence. Even if he won't speak with you, I can't imagine he doesn't want to see his own grandchildren.
K
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